the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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