My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
