My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
