im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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