you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
