I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
