I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
