drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
