Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
