There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
