Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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