peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
