you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
