she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
