I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
