never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
