please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
