she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
