I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
