I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
