Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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