Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
