Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
