now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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