i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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