the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
