I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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