maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
