i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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