is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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