Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
