I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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