Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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