Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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