The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
