I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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