so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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