If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
