It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
