Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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