The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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