you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
