She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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