omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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