I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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