Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
honey bunches of taint.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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