Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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