To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
