party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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