some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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